If you suspect your spouse may be depressed, the most important action you can take is to help him or her get proper diagnosis and treatment. That can be difficult, though, since one of the factors of depression is hopelessness; depressed people tend to believe nothing will help.
You can begin with listening to your spouse and showing empathy. You can also say that you wonder if depression may be the cause. Either one can help in the diagnosis and refer you to the other for additional treatment. If your partner refuses to seek help, you should treat the illness the same way you would an alcohol or drug problem and step up the intervention. Often, that understanding alone can compel a spouse to get help. Another important step along the way is to take care of yourself.
Be sure to get enough sleep, exercise and eat healthfully. If you detect you may be suffering some symptoms of depression yourself, follow the same advice you would offer your spouse: seek help from your family physician or a counselor. Additionally, be careful when sharing with friends to ensure that you are speaking with people who are supportive of your relationship and your spouse.
There is a difference between seeking support and complaining about your spouse; and the latter should probably be reserved for sessions with a skilled therapist who can encourage you through the hard times rather than helping you stay there. Self-care is critical if you are married to someone who is in a depression. Some of your emotional needs may not be met in your marriage during this season. Seek opportunities for connection with supportive friends, pursue hobbies that you enjoy, exercise, eat a healthy diet, volunteer, attend a life-giving church, seek personal growth, take bubble baths, go for walks, pray, read inspiring blogs, consume chocolate as needed and get your own counseling to feel strengthened and encouraged.
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Instead we are happy to offer you telemedicine online video services. Telemedicine appointments are HIPAA secure, do not require any downloads, and can be accessed on any device with microphone and internet access. Believe me, I tried. For eighteen years of marriage I adjusted all of the things I could conceive of adjusting in the hope it would prevent or alleviate the dark days.
I argued with him when the dark manifested as verbalized self-loathing. My efforts helped some. I could see that they did, which is why I kept trying harder. I kept hoping that I could exert control over this thing.
My efforts also masked the problem. Everyone has bad days. I love you anyway. I love you anyway gives the person with depression permission to change instead of demanding a status quo. A person with depression has to control their own healing process or it will not work. Howard had a huge emotional process to go through with taking medication. He had to grieve. It feels like weakness, or failure. It feels unfair. Then he could see the difference and was angry at the medicine for working, because it meant he needed it.
Slowly, Howard is learning the ways that the medicine helps him. We started talking about the depression as if it were a phenomena that could be observed, which it is. Even with excellent treatment, there will still be hard days.
Some depressions can be worked through and resolved in a permanent way. We may yet find a way to do that for Howard, for now we still have to manage the down times. I could be ill, under stress, tired or just feeling a little down. If Howard hits a depressive patch during those days, it feels massively unfair.
I find myself angry at him for being depressed, even though I know he would never choose this. Depression can be traumatic and terrifying for the loved ones because they are forced to face being powerless. Of course, that one is unlikely to be news to you, but you have to watch out for anxiety and depression in yourself. Be on the lookout. Be aware that you might also need help and treatment.
This is probably the most important function that I serve for Howard when he is depressed. He needs to process and think through what he is feeling.
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